Corvallis and I are at an interesting place in our relationship. It used to feel like home. I guess that makes sense, I was born here. It used to be that I could go home, visit my mom, and just be in a comfortable, familiar place. No matter where I was in my life, I could go home if I needed to. There was always an open door and a washing machine that i could use for free.
Since my mom passed, Corvallis has felt strange to me. I still have many emotional connections to it, but when I visit it feels like I'm, um, well, visiting. It's like crashing for the weekend with some old friends whom you haven't seen in a while. You're welcome at their place, of course. The stuff is still mostly in the same spot. There is a familiarity that is comforting. A connection to times passed, good times. But something about your friendship has changed at a fundamental level. You are a guest now and this is not your place anymore. That's how I feel about Corvallis. We'll always be friends, but it will never be like it was.
It has its charms, though. Corvallis was a good place to grow up. Summer here is beautiful. Especially when the college students leave and everything just quiets down. Eugene is like that to some degree, but it doesn't have that same feeling as if everyone is taking a nap. When I think of Corvallis in the summer, I think of sleepy, sunny, green tree-lined streets. I see blades of grass from bare feet floating in the warm water of a backyard pool. The smell of water on hot asphalt. Drinking from the hose. It is a good town. It is clean and safe and it is a part of me. It seemed appropriate to me to begin my journey from the place that I, myself, began.
These days when I come to town I stay at my aunt Judy's. She's not really my aunt. But she is. My mom and I met Judy on the day of my Bar Mitzvah. She was a friend of a friend who agreed to watch the young children in the kid's room. She and my mom became fast friends despite being at polar opposite ends of the political spectrum. I ended up with a weekly babysitting gig watching Judy's son Matt. Matt is the closest thing I have to a little brother. I taught him things like how to properly play at a restaurant table and how to make food puppets. There were lots of video games and water fights. One time we tried to sell his dog. Ah, youth. In college I housesat at Judy's during the summers. I used to think I was so clever stealing shots of whiskey and rum and then refilling the bottle with water. Later I realized that, A; I was the only one drinking the liquor so i didn't really need to hide my pilfering and, B; I had diluted it down so much throughout the years that its piss-like taste eventually made it extremely non potable.
Over the years Judy's family became part of my family, her home was like my home. Matt used to call my mom his second mother and Paul, Judy's husband, called her his second wife. They even painted pottery for her to that effect. Judy was in the room with us when my mom died. I'll never forget what she did for me that day. My world had just been shattered apart. I had lost the most important person in my life, the only other member of my home. I was an orphan. But Judy, she hugged me tight and whispered in my ear, "You are not alone. You will never be alone." Impossibly, I wept harder. She was right and I needed to hear it. I needed to hear it exactly at that moment or... I don't want to go to that place. Let's just say that she comforted me at a time when I was near-inconsolable and she'll always have a special place in my heart for that. Judy is my aunt now. She honored me by putting my high school portrait on her wall. It is the same one that used to hang on my mom's wall. It was her favorite, the one with the Looney Tunes tie and the shit-eating grin.
In the coming weeks, I will be visiting the people and places that are most important to me. It will be a joyful time, catching up with friends and family. In between these visits, I will be spending quite a lot of time by myself. As an only child, i am used to that. I will be using this time to explore, write, meditate, and follow my heart.
My heart, it is the only thing that is guiding me right now.
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